I Choose Me

Well, time has a way of slipping away sometimes.  It has been 2 yrs. since I last blogged about my health.

When I had a personal trainer, I ended up losing 30 lbs. altogether.  Was down from my highest weight, 223, to 180.  I felt really good.

Though, I was exercising like crazy.  And I think that I looked at eating the way I was as a temporary thing, and I could go back to eating what I wanted when I was finished.  I missed my old way of eating.  I missed Mexican food.  I missed sauces and dips.

I stopped exercising and started binge eating on Mexican food.  It was apparent that I felt deprived.  Coupled with the fact that I am getting older, my child has left the nest, and a nonexistent base family - everything was getting to me.  And I am an emotional eater.  Yes, I have an eating disorder.  When I get stressed, sad or anxious, I eat.  I am a food addict.  A couple of weeks ago, I actually had eaten something, and then about 5 min. later, I felt something I've never felt before.  Kind of what I liken to a drug addicts need for drugs.  I actually was having an anxiety attack because I wanted more food.  Now, I know, my addiction is nothing like a drug addict.  But, thank goodness I am only addicted to food.  Otherwise, I would probably die of a drug overdose.  It was like I was having a withdrawal and I needed something fast.

I've gained about 10 lbs. since I stopped the exercising and started binge eating.  But, something snapped in me.  In a good way.  I am realizing that I am 45 now.  I cannot, and will not, eat like I was eating.  I am going to blow up again.  And, I am having pains again with my chondromalacia, plantar fascitis, and now something new.  It started when the doctor told me I had trigger points, in my hip.  It was causing me severe pain, in both my hips, but my left one in particular.  My doctor gave me a shot of cortisone in that hip, and it was good for about 2 weeks, and then the pain came back.  The thing about cortisone is, you can't just keep getting those shots.  It kind of breaks down your muscle and stuff.  So, I'm back to just taking pain meds to manage it.

Then, my husband took me for a couples massage.  The masseuse was a sports therapist.  When I explained about my hips, he immediately recognized that I had symptoms of a condition called IBT Band Syndrome.  This is when the tendons and muscles kind of fuse together, and it blocks the flow of blood from getting into the area affected. Which then causes a dull ache in that area.  It can be treated, with massage and with a few exercises.

The title of this blog is I Choose Me.  The reason for this is, we went camping last week, and I had some time to reflect on me and my life.  For the most part, my life is great.  But, I am the type of person that over extends herself to make others happy.  I love doing things for other people.  The problem is, in the process I neglect myself and my needs.  Now, in one respect, I have corrected this.  I used to just buy things for other people and neglect my needs (not wants, actual necessities).  Now, since I married my husband, he's made me see that money is not tight anymore and I can afford to buy myself things that I need.  And a few things I want as well.  :)

I choose me because I am going to choose to allow myself to take the time for me.  This will be an adjustment, but I will be delegating more to the rest of my family.  It takes a lot to run this household, especially since I work a full-time job out of the home.  And I just don't have the time to put all of myself into the house and into me as well.  I choose to eat healthy.  I choose to look up healthy meals and snacks and incorporate this into my life.  And I am choosing to exercise.  I am going to take some group classes 1 to 2 days a week and then fit in some elliptical at least one day a week.  It will take me longer to loose 10 lbs. than it did when I had a personal trainer, but, it will get done.  And I've re-evaluated my goals.  When I was at 180, I felt good and I felt like I looked good.  I am at 193 right now.  I can be ok with 180.  I can appreciate 180.  I would love to be 140 or 145.  Which is pretty much a normal weight for a 5'2" woman.  But, not sure that is achievable at my age.  I know one thing.  My goal is to eat healthy, and exercise for health.  Yes, I want to loose the 10 lbs.  Anything beyond that is just a bonus.  But, for now, I Choose Me.  I choose to live a healthy lifestyle and forget about the french fries and onion rings and sauces and dips..and I choose to have healthy alternatives, like vegetables and hummus.  That is still tasty and will do my body better than grease and carbs.  But, if every once in a while I want a treat, like Mexican food, I will allow myself to have it just as a treat.  Not the norm.  It feels good to have made this decision.